All my best ideas run the moment I call upon them. But when I'm an easy target, then they hit. Why do they never want to participate when the times are tough, and their efforts matter? They are cowards, that's why.
The coward does not risk himself or his security, he does not put himself forwards for risk of harm or humiliation. The coward attacks a sleeping opponent with 5 other cowards, and kicks the shit out of him when he's unarmed. My brain is a hive of such wretched pussies.
What's worse than that, though, is at the most core level of it all, my thoughts aren't even my own. I worry that I have never thought, said nor written an original thought, one not ventured to by another, but of new purpose never considered by any of the 100 Billion humans to have ever walked this planet. Is it too much to ask that I can be more than so many?
Am I destined to be nothing but a plagiarist of the great works of man, forever churning one man's cream into my own butter? What a sad fate to realise, that my bread isn't spread with my own work, that I'm eating nothing but other men's cream.
Such is my punishment.
Too much time has already passed for me, too few opportunities taken, too set I am down the rails of my own making that my momentum cannot be changed, redirected or repurposed to that of a better being. Some may see that which they do not have and say to themselves it may be for them, in another life, but I have experienced enough life to know I would not want another. My suffering yearns for finality.
Forsaken by the flock, found not in the pack, the creature is neither of heaven nor of hell. The flesh is of and made for purgatory, where time folds into eternity, for an observer cannot perceive more than what space it occupies, and birth and death act not as points, for the states that cap a life mean nothing when eternity is neither linear nor looping, but all. Forgive me, for I choose not to live and die by their rules - me, vs everything and nothing all at once? What challenge can there be in that which is not even a battle, but the only state that can be when being is the only choice there is?