If there's one thing I love more than sticking it in men, it's sticking it to the man. Just like the former, I'll do this any way I can, no matter what it takes. And ladies and gentlemen, that's exactly what I've done.

Man has not been to the Moon in half a century, and that's exactly how it should be, despite our efforts, and it takes a hero like me to stop it. So last week, unbeknownst to the public, I snuck into the United States of America by dinghy with rope, a large box of Malteasers, and a mission from God.

Despite what they'll have you believe, sneaking into high security areas is actually easier than they'll have you believe. People like me, those that push the boundaries, are the only reason the security exists - but when nobody like me tests the system, they get relaxed. Nobody has really pushed breaking into a NASA launch site in so long that they've all but given up. It was piss easy.

In the dead of night, I snuck into the manufacturing plant of the NASA launch site, sneaking in via the river to the South East. I had to scuba in, wrapped up in, fat leaking out the seams, struggling to breathe as I lightly waded my way towards the river opening. The water here was not deep, so I had to crawl like a mud fish. I felt like I was being born again.

Eventually I made my way to the site where the magic happens, I crawled out of the ditch and made my way into the building. No guards. They don't even think anyone would get this far in, so don't bother to watch it.

Now, I didn't even think I'd get this far, so I sorta just generally cranked wheels, pushed buttons, threw handfuls of debris into things that looked important. The panic, and the physical exertion, had me exhausted within a minute, so I quickly escaped, got back to the ditch, and fainted. I woke up the morning after, the odd car driving around the site, no sign of anyone looking for me, but I kept careful, ducking down, trawling through the filth. It's a wonder I made it out.

When the Artemis II rocket launches later today, it will be too late. This article isn't going to be public until mere hours beforehand, and nobody pays attention to me, so nobody will take it seriously.

The rocket will fail, it will explode in spectacular fashion - just like I shall some day. I hope I, too, could die in such spectacularly expensive, fast and explosive fashion. I envy you, brave astronauts.