The scientists at observatory say that the Universe is not only getting bigger, but accelerating outwards. Now I can get behind anything expanding, but getting faster as it does so? That doesn't register as real to me, so I dug deeper.

It turns out, the scientists looked at some light and said it was more red than they wanted it to be, therefore they can tell it's not only moving away but moving away faster each second that passes. How can that be?

Well here's where it gets really crazy - they say there's a load of this 'dark matter' everywhere in the universe, but most of it exists in a region of space we can't reach and, even more unfortunately for us, never can reach, because the very act of being there inverts its state of being outside the universe and therefore the dark matter vanishes. But don't ask to see it, please, the dark matter is there trust me, but you can't see it or observe it, but it has to exist because it's the only way we can explain this. Just don't ask to see it because nobody can. Yeah mate, how about I Newtonianly kick my object in motion into your rapidly expanding arse and you can try to dilate yourself out of that (I would say this, but I don't because I'm smarter than that)

So what the fuck gives? I'm just expected to believe them that something they can't see exists because it's the only way they can explain their telescope showing them something they themselves don't understand? Maybe the light is red because it just likes the ambiance.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not denying all of science here, just the parts that don't make sense to me immediately.

I understand time dilation being a thing, even if I dislike the hubris of time to bend to gravity. Frankly I think relativistic physics is an insult to man, I think we could overcome it all if we put our minds together, perhaps so close they phase through each other and we can massively increase our brain power.

And I get that if a light source is moving away, it could be more red, like how the ice cream van siren sounds more depressing as it speeds away from me right after I drop my cone. But I can't tell if the ice cream van driver is putting his foot down enough to be accelerating unless I listen - and there's no sound in space, where no one can hear you cream.

But the scientists explain that light from this distant supernova is more red, because the light stretched in space as the universe expanded. Now here's where I have a problem with that: If I put a 30cm ruler on the floor, and drop a bucket of ping pong balls, all the ping pong balls will bounce around, some roll far away, some stay close, but the ruler never changes size. Why does the distance of the furthest ping pong ball determine the length of the light currently in-transit in space? I don't buy this notion that objects far away venturing into empty regions have any affect on the scale, length or time experience of objects or light anywhere else, and I'm willing to die on this hill.

The new voices in my head do not like my denial, but my recently found ability to conjure my own thoughts has left me in a position where I can analyse and deny the data, and for this, I do. I call for an immediate investigation into the science in the Crown Court.

Futhermore, I personally call out Saul Perlmutter, Adam Riess and Brian P. Schmidt for their work on the Supernova Cosmology Project, and challenge them to a game of Ravenous Ravenous Rhinos (best of 3, standard rules) to decide who is more righter than the other