"I'm dreaming of a White Christmas".

Words that Father Christmas has taken too literally, too long. With 2026 starting it's time to question whether 'Santa Claus' should consider bringing his workshop into the modern day by employing not only proto-hominid "Elves", but hundreds of thousands of Somalians too.

With how much the global population has increased, and how poorly White countries reproductive rates are these days, it's vital to consider the health and longevity of an aging White Elf population and the ramifications it will have on the global economy if it is not replaced adequately before mass retirement of an aging population.

As we all read about recently, elf replacement rates are sitting at 1.12 as of a 2025 study, vastly below the 3.6 replacement rate reported when records began in 1992, and this was already considered low for Elves, who are known to bang. By these figures, in 20 years' time there will be more retired Elves on state pension than there are working elves to support them, which will put huge pressure on the goliath task it is to perform such a large annual workload that must pay off by an exact date every single year.

It's clear: More labour is needed.

Thankfully, there are literally hundreds of millions of foreign immigrants who are eager to come to your country and bring the diverse, rich, and vibrant culture with them, which will enhance any host country. Thing how bland the seal blubber meals are - now imagine, Jamaican Curried Seal. See how I instantly made your country better by commenting on your food?

In other news, Santa must also find carbon-neutral transportation within the next 5 years. Reindeer emissions have seen the North Pole experience a 1.9°C increase in the last decade, twice as high as the rise experienced the decade prior, due to increased consumption of carrots and cookies. Perhaps, instead, it's time we question whether we should keep supporting this industry after all. Is it a relic of a bygone era? Maybe we should all #BoycottChristmas2026